I Am Not A Junkie

I woke up yesterday and thought I was going to die. Pretty soon I figured out that it was *simply* a terrible allergic reaction to something airborne. I had every pollen allergy symptom in the book: dry eyes, massive sinus headache and lungs that felt like they were turned inside out. But today I’m fine. And all I took was tea, honey and one dose of generic Advil. Weird. Must be a short-blooming flower. Or something.

While I was dying yesterday on the couch I got out the laptop and made a list of the top 50 celebrity-frequented detox centers in the U.S. It was actually not very hard to find these places thanks to the fact that celebs have no privacy at all and the press blabs about where they end up in treatment. In theory I could make a lot of money because of this list. If that happens I’ll let you know. For now you can just wonder.

One interesting thing was that most of these treatment centers have little “should I be institutionalized for this hourly crack habit” quizzes that you can take FREE on their web sites. So in the course of the day I took about 18 of these “am I a junkie” quizzes.

And I can say with certainty that I am not a junkie. Phew, really good to know because I sure as hell can’t afford any of those places. One of them charges $75,000 USD per month, but most of them only charge around $30,000 USD for 30 whole days. Some of them charge less but you have to bring your own team of doctors! What the hell is that?

Whatever, just be glad you aren’t Britney Spears. That poor girl ain’t right.

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2 Responses to “I Am Not A Junkie”

  1. JoyceJ
    February 1st, 2008 08:09

    Hey, is Springbrook on that list? It’s up here, outside of Newberg (which truly is a burg) and is supposed to be really discreet and expensive and riddled with celebrities. But you don’t really know that on account of all the discretion. Just curious. I’m glad you passed those quizzes because none of us want to hear about your closet crack habit.

  2. RiverGirl
    February 1st, 2008 10:38

    Joyce – I do believe I found Springbrook, it’s run by the Hazelden Foundation. Some of them are definitely better kept secrets than others. And I’m sure I missed a few.

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