What Isn’t Said

People often comment about how personal this blog is; they compliment me for it’s intimacy. And I truly appreciate their comments. But the fact is that there are lots of subjects I don’t feel free to discuss here.

Wondering yet? Well, to start with I don’t mention much about my relationships with my husband and my daughter. This is partly because when things are going well with them it’s not worth mentioning, and when things are not then I feel too raw and too exposed to tell more than one or two friends, so forget telling the whole world.

Another thing I don’t talk much about are the stresses of my job. I feel huge pangs of guilt when it comes to work. So if I’m having trouble focusing, or if I’m stuck with a problem I can’t solve, or I’ve lost motivation, it feels like rubbing salt into a wound to talk about it, even though it drives me nuts. I’ve found that the best antidote for work-sux-mode is to arrange things so I can have some small successes and then make sure I feel them. Often just a few small accomplishments will break the spell and get me back to being productive. But talking about it doesn’t usually help.

And of course I don’t talk about the dramas and problems in my friends lives. Sometimes it’s hard not to mention something here because I am so affected by the ups and downs that my friends experience. If someone discovers their partner is cheating, I’m wracked with the agony of that. If someone contemplates an affair, I feel the guilt and torment of even thinking that. If someone loses a parent, I worry over my mother’s health and safety. If someone’s child struggles, I stress more over my child. But if my friends want their troubles to be found by search engines then they can blog about them themselves.

Another subject I stay away from is my spirituality. There are two main reasons for this. The first being that my religious and spiritual beliefs are mushy, hard to define and non-linear, and I’m perfectly happy with that. I don’t need them to be defined by language and written in books the way many other people do.

The other reason is that there are quite a few people in Cancun who I have to deal with regularly, whose religious beliefs are vastly different from mine. And these people feel judgmental to me. I’m sure that if pushed they would tell me to my face that they are not judging me. But I get a strong sense from them that because I don’t attend their church they see me as mis-guided, as a lost soul, a godless heathen, whatever. And so I don’t feel I should publish what I really believe about these subjects. Perhaps I will feel differently at a later time when these people are not part of my daily life.

And finally I don’t mention much in this blog about my husband’s job and the international mafia which operates throughout the office he works in. The reason for this is simple. I don’t want them to kill him. Suffice to say that my husband has been pressured to join their ranks, and he has refused. But it’s a daily struggle for him. They feel threatened that he won’t join. He assures them he doesn’t need their money and won’t turn them in. It’s a delicate balance, and so I keep mum. But oh the stories I could tell…

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