Don’t Bury Me
As I sit here listening to the NPR story titled Inventor’s Ashes Buried in His Creation: Pringles Can I feel compelled to make a public statement.
I do not want to be buried in the ground when I die. I can think of no greater torture than to be stuck underground for all of eternity. I am claustrophobic and I don’t much like the dark. I have no desire to be consumed by worms, or worse, to be embalmed and then not consumed at all.
I do not believe there is an after-life and I don’t believe in ghosts (much). But it is my solemn promise to those I leave behind when I depart this world that I will HAUNT YOU if you inter me! I swear it!
My wish is to be cremated and scattered in the good places! If my people need a spot on this earth to call mine then they have my permission to take not more than a thimble-full of my ashes and place them just underneath the sod so that I can still see light and so that my matter will quickly become part of the grass above me. Anything more than this and I will haunt, make no mistake!
June 3rd, 2008 21:00
Fill my innards with petrol, stick the largest firework rocket money can buy where the sun don’t shine, and fire me off Torre Mayor, accompanied by Tina Turner’s Disco Inferno….
Being buried in a hole in the ground just isn’t much of a way to go out with a real bang!
🙂
June 3rd, 2008 22:45
LMAO … I started thinking about death when my friend died and it took a can of chips to get you going.
I don’t give a damn what they do with me when I’m gone. I’d rather have a peaceful death rather than worry about my burial. I just don’t see anything great in being buried, sprinkled, consumed or pissed on lol.
The ’cause of death’ is what freaks the shit out of me … I’d rather leave this world either in my sleep or heavily high.
~Lisa 🙂
P.S. What’s your ideal way to go?
June 4th, 2008 09:19
You and me both, Sister. However, if they promise to leave some of the Pringles in the can, I might reconsider. Just to have snacks, and all.
June 4th, 2008 10:56
Lisa – I do worry about how I might go, but I figure I can’t control it. While I can control not ending up in the ground.
My preferred way to go would be old and in my sleep, or old and on morphine. Bleeding too death isn’t too bad either, I almost died that way once, you get really sleepy and pass out, it’s not bad.
As for Pringles, well am I the only one whose hands are too big to reach the bottom of the can?
And Gary, I wouldn’t want to be your housekeeper!
June 4th, 2008 15:24
I have made a similar public announcement myself- but for different reasons. I have a real issue with my dead shell taking up space and tainting the ground water- I mean at least leave me on the side of the road where the vultures will eat me- circle of life, ya know.
June 4th, 2008 16:26
I was reading an article today on “green” disposal of human remains (the things I do instead of working). And the article said that the greenest disposal is to be dissolved in lye and acid…just like the bad guys always use in James Bond movies…but I don’t know if I can stand that one, it’s a bit slimy for my tastes.
June 5th, 2008 12:28
Burn me up and spread me out in a field somewhere. No sense taking up the valuable real estate with a bunch of dead folks.
June 5th, 2008 14:17
I don’t want to be put in the ground either. Cremate me and use me to fertilize some plants somewhere.
A friends father who is a master potter, has made a large kind of crazy vase ( much like himself, the crazy part) and has picked specific glazes that he wants his ashes mixed with and then the vase fired. I love that idea!
Me? I’ll be with the rest of my family in a mountain park in Colorado, overlooking majestic views.
How I want to go? On top of a mountain in a thunder storm, one bolt will do ya!
June 5th, 2008 16:38
I’m putting my body up for parts. Med schools, organ donations, plastic surgery centers.
My skull goes to the highest bidder only if they promise to use it as a bong. http://www.slate.com/id/2191124/
June 5th, 2008 16:50
A bong! Good one! I used to have a pipe made from an antler, but the cops confiscated it…
I’m an organ donor also, but what they don’t use right away I want burned up! I don’t want to hang out getting stinky and being poked by med students.
Mimi – One bolt COULD do ya, or you might just get brain damage. I know someone whose brother got hit and is still with us but now has an IQ of 40. No fun!
Of course it’s sounds like an electrifying way to go! Haha!
June 5th, 2008 17:23
Phew, that spam protection was 8+6, I almost didn’t make it through…had to count on my fingers AND toes.
I wanted to comment on Cancun Canuck’s comment to say: I want my skull used in some high school production of Hamlet.
The end.
June 6th, 2008 09:32
Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaa!
Heather in Paradise almost made me snarf!
June 6th, 2008 10:36
Guess I’ll have to have a metal pipe in my hands to ensure the process. However am now rethinking that as well, because I’m an organ donor as well. Don’t think they’d take bbq’ed parts. How ever I go, I just hope it’s fast 🙂
June 6th, 2008 11:30
OMG Mimi! I’m going to giggle all day at that one!
August 19th, 2008 00:28
You are something else and I say that with authority as an ex Bronx N.Y. transplanted to Dallas..Your blog makes me laugh so much I am begiinhg to like my ex wife and her dog named “Flipper”
Bye,
Joe
August 19th, 2008 09:43
Joe – Thanks for the compliment. We aim to please.
January 4th, 2009 06:56
[…] to spend a few minutes wandering in the cemetery on the north side of town. Despite the fact that I really, really do not want to be buried I actually like […]